getting to know: Sir Beau Seven the Third

The following was recorded on the 20th of October 2018. This interview has been transcribed for you, the reader, to read. These are true accounts by a real being. All opinions expressed are the sole opinion of the speaker and do not represent Getting to Know Other Beings Magazine. 

Notes: 

-       Anything in parentheses indicates action. 

-       Italics indicate the interviewer. 

-       This series was inspired by Ian Chillag’s Everything is Alive podcast, found wherever podcasts are found. 

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Why don’t we start with your name and who you are?

 My name is Sir Beau Seven the Third, and I am an airplane.

What kind of plane are you?

 I am a Boeing 777, a proud commercial plane for Delta Airlines. I’m a 300ER model, so I can fly up to 396 people, but boy, I feel that weight if I’m at that capacity. Which reminds me I need to go on a fly today, stretch my wings.

That’s great. Do you work for Delta exclusively?

That’s right. I used to work for United as well, but I left after the whole drag-a-man-who-bought-a-ticket-forcibly-off-the-plane-for-no-reason incident. Which was unfortunate. The entire aeronautical community was distraught. My fellow planes, hot air balloons, helicopters, we all heard about it. Some of us considered going on strike until appropriate measures were enacted, both to the injured man and to United Mileage Plus members, which, keep this to yourself, membership dipped significantly after the incident. 

 It was a source of concern for my fellow planes, because if our bodies aren’t full on takeoff, less money goes to our upkeep. And we love getting polished and washed and having our tires full and fresh. I take it you’ve seen the video of that incident.

Yes, of course. A shame. 

I fly you and your species all the time, but you still find ways to confuse me. Like my overhead bins. Sometimes your 50-pound suitcases just won’t fit, and you’re willing to destroy your bag to make it so. It’s really a testament to human determination and sheer willpower. It’s commendable. 

We can be stubborn sometimes. 

And not to linger on the United incident, but something overlooked in all of it was the plane in which it occurred. The plane was my good friend, Ayer Buss the 300th. He’s really ashamed it happened in his cabin. I can’t imagine what that must feel like. Ayer doesn’t discriminate or promote any sort of violence, he welcomes everyone, so he was dispirited afterward. He didn’t fly for a few weeks. I wouldn’t say he was depressed, more like he was in the Sunken Place from Get Out, the 2017 thriller and directorial debut of Jordan Peele. 

I asked him how I could help, and I tried by giving him my new meal carts, top of the line, but he eventually came out of it on his own. He’s back on his own tires now, still with United. 

I’m sorry to hear Ayer went through such a difficult time. I think, not to speak on behalf of all humans, it’s important to remember that every being has feelings, even man-made beings such as yourselves. Have you experienced any difficulties during your years here?

Not particularly. Ayer is an exception. Most of us have a routine, stick to it, and stay to it.

And is your family around? 

I never knew my parents, all I know is that they were Boeing 787 models that flew in Asia. My father flew for Korean Air, my mother flew for Japan Airlines. I like to think they know me, though. It’s not easy being a commercial plane all the time. Private jets have it easy. They fly a lot, but they’re very efficient, and they fly names you typically see in the news – Kanye, Bezos, LeBron.

Private jets must be a lavish lifestyle. Back to your parents, is that troubling for you? Not knowing them.

It’s not the easiest thing in the world. Being a private jet is. (Beau laughs.)

Some of the planes around here, their entire families live in this airport, and we run on cycles, so they get to see each other every week. Sometimes, I feel like Mowgli in The Jungle Book, you know? My main interactions are with people, not my species. I’m still kind of looking for a home. I suppose that’s what motivates me to keep flying every day. 

Can you see anywhere close being a home for you?

My first flight was from San Francisco to Honolulu. Honolulu was beautiful. I got to stay overnight. The air is so pure, my engines could breathe and my windows were the cleanest they’ve ever been. That’d be a nice home. 

That sounds lovely. Is that preference purely weather-based? Or are there other factors?

Oh, one other factor, I should’ve led with this. One of my main pilots was Amanda a few years ago. She was born and raised on the Big Island. She flew me every other day. She was particular, superstitious even. Her hair would be up in a bun the same style every flight, and she’d triple check all the systems before takeoff. And she would actually make jokes on the intercom. 

Why don’t more pilots do that? Joking on a plane is so funny. I support pilots who take their job seriously and are professional when it comes to flight protocol, but I mean, a joke every now and then is nice. Yelling bomb on the intercom would not be funny, but if you said cigarette smoking is allowed only if you lower the window first? Hilarious. 

Amanda and I flew for about three years together. She believes pilots and planes have relationships, and the more successful flights they accumulate, the luckier that pair is. Before every flight, she’d talk to me and say, “All right, blue. Nothing but clear skies ahead.” And it’s not anything too profound, but it stuck with me, you know? 

Anyway, she was a good pilot. And I’m a Delta plane now, so I haven’t seen Amanda in some time. She hasn’t reached out or even looked for me, which makes me think our relationship wasn’t that special. I used to feel like Hugh Grant in Notting Hill. Julia Roberts and he form a special relationship, but when it enters the public eye, Roberts goes full ghost. 

Perhaps, and please tell me if I’m wrong, but perhaps she misses you too? Perhaps her schedule doesn’t allow it. 

It’s possible. That was a few years ago, and I don’t miss United. Delta Airlines has been great to me. Delta, keep climbing. (Beau laughs.) I’m sorry, I had to say that for Delta. It’s in my contract. 

I love it. So, why don’t you walk me through a typical day now. Surely, you must travel frequently. 

You could say I’m a frequent flyer. (Beau laughs.) I’m pretty much nonstop. I’ll start my days around six or seven hundred hours. Three to four flights a day, depending on the winds. I catch some shut eye while passengers board and the crew tidies me up between flights. 

And the maintenance is a couple times a week, which I enjoy. It’s like taking a shower – I feel clean, refreshed, and ready to go again. Which is another thing I don’t understand about humans. Showers are nice, but baths? If I was in a pool of water, I would die. But a light sprinkle washes off all the grime I pick up from pollution. Baths would only let me soak in it. 

We find it relaxing. I agree it may not be the cleanest solution, but it relieves stress for some. 

To each species their own. 

Do you have a favorite part of the day?

I love first flights. In the mornings. Watching the sunrise is the calmest part of the day. I also have a favorite part of every flight. You know when the flight attendant goes through their safety speech and charade gig in the beginning? To fasten seatbelt, please insert strap into the buckle and all that. The best part is when they say, “Please check the aircraft safety card in front of you for further instructions on what to do in case of emergency,” and then no one does! (Beau laughs.) Oh, man. (Beau turns serious.) Really though, if there was an emergency, we’d all be doomed. 

How much does weather affect you? 

I’d say, well, directly. Winds change airtime. Extreme weather cancels flights. But personally, I love a big ol’ blue sky, the sun just on the horizon. Those days are beautiful. It makes me excited to go to work. I feel like Superman, the sun is the source of my power, which if we ever go solar, it really will be.

Not that I’m keeping a tally, but that’s the fourth or fifth time you’ve mentioned a movie. I assume you watch a lot of them.

Oh, absolutely. I love movies. They’re also literally stored in my hard drive, so I watch them on my own time or when people play them during flights. It’s one of the few things commercial planes can bond over and discuss.  

I’m sure people will be happy to hear planes enjoy movies. Switching gears, can I ask, how much longer will you be flying? Is retirement an option for you?

Well, the Boeing Seven generation usually lives until we’re about 30 years old, we never retire. We work from the get-go, like salmon. I suppose it’s just instilled in us, this desire to keep going, keep traveling, keep learning. If we weren’t flying, we’d be stuck to the ground. We want to keep reaching new heights. It’s like what Mark Wahlberg says in the 2010 buddy cop comedy, The Other Guys. “I am a peacock, you gotta let me fly!” It’s what we were born to do. 

Do you, or any other aircrafts, is there an afterlife for you? Do you have an airplane heaven?

We’re similar to humans. We don’t pray on Sunday, but we believe there’s an afterlife. There is a set of beliefs, a code if you will. We are professional. If we aren’t ready to do the job, we don’t fly. If we do our jobs well, then yeah, we believe everything will be all right. Also, if there is an airplane heaven, I hope it includes all aircraft, not just airplanes. 

Wonderful. Is there anything else you’d like to say we haven’t covered?

Yes, I’d like to say thank you for the opportunity. There isn’t enough aircraft representation in the media nowadays, so to be put out into the mainstream media like this, and be heard, it’s very exciting. I’m happy I can speak for my fellow wings. 

Ah, yes, that was my final question. Is there anything you’d like to say as a representative for planes everywhere?

Yes, do not watch the 2013 Pixar film, Planes. Poor representation of planes.

Huh.

The sequel is better. 

Good to know. 

And on a more serious note, planes are very safe, we encourage people to fly. Just stop complaining about our seats’ leg space. You’re sitting down in the middle of the sky. You’ll be okay.

That is certainly one way to look at it. I think that covers it. Thanks for doing this, Beau. I hope home is close. 

And thank you, reader, for joining us in our first interview with an aircraft ever. Please join us for our interview next week, when we travel to The Glacier National Park in Montana to talk with Melinda, a purple colored pebble.