dear boston sports
Namely, the New England Patriots, Boston Red Sox, Boston Celtics, and Boston Bruins:
Please stop winning.
As a lifelong Boston fan, the amount of titles you four have brought to Boston since the turn of the century have completely desensitized me to winning, punctuated most recently this year, by the 2018 Red Sox, the most dominant team in their history. All these championships exhaust me, and holds other cities to an unfair standard.
I know, I know. I come across as a typical Boston fan. We don’t have anything else to do other than go crazy for sports. If anything, however, most fans will agree with my sentiment that Boston simply wins too much, and we’re tired of it. Surely, this is not the hottest take in America right now.
Since 2000, you four teams have brought eleven titles to Boston. This has the nation nicknaming the city “Titletown.” This is unabashed, absolute arrogance. We’ve lost all our manners. Nothing stops the fans from throwing beers onto the field or calling players racial slurs. A loss needs to humble our city.
The 2018 Red Sox won 108 games in the regular season, yet everyone said the 100-win Yankees would beat Boston. Nope. Surely, the defending champion Houston Astros would knock Boston out. Nah. The Dodgers lost the World Series last year, this has to be their year. Nada. Boston teams are so good that we’re never the favorite and still win. Imagine being so good that we’re never expected to win, but we do anyway for kicks.
In the 2017 Super Bowl, the Patriots were down 28-3 to the Atlanta Falcons. “Finally!” America exclaimed. “At long last, the Patriots will lose in embarrassing fashion to the delight of every non-Patriot fan in America!” Everyone was preparing their best, “Suck it, Brady!” But no, of course not. During halftime, the Falcons remembered they were playing a team from New England and felt ashamed. To alleviate their guilt, they let the Patriots go on an uncontested 31-0 run to win Super Bowl LI in overtime.
I thank the NFL gods for the Patriots’ loss in Super Bowl LII to the Eagles. The loss back then humbled us Boston fans, reminded us, hey, sometimes we don’t win. Losing games is an actual outcome. Teams from Boston can lose games. They can score less than their opponent and not receive a trophy. That can happen. Then they went ahead and won the next Super Bowl.
I’ll give the Bruins a pass because they won their first Stanley Cup in franchise history in 2011. But, hey, Bruins, don’t make it a habit.
I miss the days from 1986 when Bill Buckner became a Red Sox hero and let a groundball go through his legs, or when Tim Wakefield let Aaron f*cking Boone hit a walkoff homer in game seven, just so the 2004 Red Sox championship would be even sweeter.
It has come to the point where we expect championships instead of enjoying them. Even the famed championship cities, New York and Los Angeles, can’t keep up with us. We can only celebrate so much. I’m tired. All these parades litter the streets with trash and slows traffic. So, Boston, please stop winning. You’ve ruined our cursed culture. We’re so good, we suck.
Unfortunately,
a numb Boston fan
